Quote of the Month

"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs. - P.J. O'Rourke

Never Insult an Upstanding Servant of Mankind

According to rumor, an adversary of Republican State Senator Jeff Wentworth drove to a bar in Comal County last week, tied a few on, stood up and yelled, "Your Senator Wentworth is a horse's ass!" A bouncer grabbed the troublemaker by the collar and threw him out. Along the way, the man protested, "Isn't this still a free country? Can't I make the simple statement of fact that Wentworth is a horse's ass?" Bouncer replied, "You don't understand, jerk. This is horse country."

Trouble in Paradise

News media in June carried reports that the $100, two story Barbie Dream House produced by toy company Mattel has a major design flaw: it's elevator is wheelchair-inaccessible. As a result, the upper levels of the opulent little mansion are off-limits to Barbie's new disabled friend, Share a Smile Becky, who debuted May 21. Company spokesman Lisa McKendall replied defensively that two of the three houses produced for Barbie are already accessible to Becky; however, this may not be enough to placate civil rights activists.

Personally, we wonder why some of Barbie's bigger friends can't be counted on to help Becky onto the upper floors of the house, as an alternative to tearing out and replacing the elevator. But what do we know? We're just a bunch of oafs. More enlightened pressure groups are expected to spin into action demanding the ADA be expanded immediately to cover Mattel-Americans.

Yesterday's Email

Electronic communication has come a long way since the days when cable telegrams were exorbitantly charged on a per-word basis. A recent article by Christopher Buckley in Forbes FYI reports on how telegrams were an art form that demanded a brevity which often engendered wit. Among examples cited, the following exchange between free-world leader Winston Churchill and socialist dupe playwright George Bernard Shaw.

Shaw to Churchill: AM RESERVING TWO TICKETS FOR YOU FOR MY PREMIERE. COME AND BRING A FRIEND - IF YOU HAVE ONE. Churchill's reply: IMPOSSIBLE TO BE PRESENT FOR THE FIRST PERFORMANCE. WILL ATTEND SECOND - IF THERE IS ONE.

Concision can however lead to confusion. A lawyer who won a difficult case once cabled his client: JUSTICE HAS TRIUMPHED, to which client replied: APPEAL CASE AT ONCE!

Progress can have its disadvantages. A thousand dollar reward to the reader who can invent a way to charge email senders on a per-word basis.

It's About Time

Kudos to High Cotton, Incorporated, a South Carolina company who's owners have the impishness to lampoon the absurd extremes to which litigation has gone in this country, and the absurd extremes to which companies must go to protect themselves from it. High Cotton produces, among other goods, doormats, one of which was purchased recently by this editor.

Attached to the doormat was the following disclaimer: "Warning: do not use mat as a projectile. Sudden acceleration to dangerous speeds may cause injury. When using mat, follow directions: Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and shake it all about. [Repeat, with left foot.]

"If mat begins to smoke, immediately seek shelter and cover head. Caution: if coffee spills on mat, assume that it is very hot. Do not glue mat to porous surfaces, such as pregnant women, pets and heavy machinery. When not in use, mat should be kept out of reach of children diagnosed with CFED (Compulsive Fiber Eating Disorder). Do not taunt mat. Failure to comply relieves the makers of this doormat . . . of any and all liability."

We're Told This Actually Happened

Two duck hunters in another state were attempting to use explosives to flush out game from brush when a retriever owned by one of them proceeded to fetch a dynamite stick after it had been lit and thrown. As the dutiful dog returned with the bomb, the hunters, fearing for their lives, shot at it.

They missed. But the dog, with dynamite in mouth, retreated under the hunters' new Jeep Cherokee parked nearby. Both dog and vehicle were blown to smithereens, and the insurance company refused to reimburse the vehicle owner, citing fact that the accident was a result of illegal use of explosives.

Lesson: save dynamite for fishing and leave your dog at home.