Deductions on Bill Clinton's Tax Return

14. Expenses incurred during "Diplomatic Missions" to Nevada's "Mustang Ranch."

13. 365 "Value Meal" business lunches.

12. Capital gain: Gennifer Flowers; Capital loss: Paula Jones

11. Colombian "catnip" as prescribed by the First Cat's veterinarian.

10. Duct tape, rope and locks for Roger's room.

9. Lincoln's Bedroom listed as Bed and Breakfast in Schedule C.

8. McDonald's deep fryer, installed in home gym.

7. Ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt claimed as a dependent.

6. Bar bill from the "Hail to the Chief Room" at Hooters.

5. $21,327 to Ronald McDonald House... No, wait-that's just McDonald's.

4. Hotline to Vatican for emergency confessions.

3. Chrome busty-babe silhouette mudflaps on Air Force One landing gear.

2. $10,000 for "I kicked Dole's ass!" bumper stickers.

1. Three words: Hookers, hookers, hookers!

[ The above list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc.]

Texas Quotes

The following are actual quotes from (actual) Texas politicians:

"It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket." Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury.

"Lemme give ya' a hypothetic." Texas Rep. Renal Rosson

"Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower

"And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?" Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs

"Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish

"Well, there never was a Bible in the room." Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal.

"I am filled with humidity." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

"If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies

"I move we recess to go outside and throw up." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing

"...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..." Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote

"It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn." Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton

"Let's do this in one foul sweep." Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton

"This is unparalyzed in the state's history." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

"There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

"There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information." Don Rottenberg