NOAH AND THE ARK: 2001 AD

And the Lord spoke unto Noah and said, “The end of days has come. I shall soon make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the people of the world are killed. I shall save only a few men who are good, and two of every kind of living thing. You, Noah, will build Me an Ark.” In a flash, He sent from heaven the plans for an Ark.
“OK,” said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. “Six months, and it will begin to rain,” thundered the Lord. And six months did pass. The skies began to cloud and the rain began to fall. And the Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. “Hey, Noah,” shouted the Lord, “where the hell is my Ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
“Oh Lord, please forgive me,” begged Noah on his knees. “I did my best. But there were problems. I had to get a building permit for the Ark, and your plans didn’t meet the Uniform Construction Code. So I had to hire a structural engineer to redraw the plans. That took time. Then I got into a big fight with the fire marshal over whether the Ark needed a sprinkler system.
“And then I found I couldn’t get any lumber for the Ark because there is a new ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince U.S. Fish & Wildlife that I needed the lumber to save the owls. But they wouldn’t listen. Then my carpenters went on strike because without the lumber, I couldn’t fulfill my contract. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone could pick up a tool. Now we’ve got the carpenters ready to work again, but still no lumber.
“Then, when I started gathering up the animals like you said, I was sued by the Sierra Club. Then I got sued by some Gay and Lesbian Task Force, who objected to me gathering only heterosexual pairs of animals. Just when I got these crazy lawsuits thrown out by Chief Justice Graglia, the EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood. When they demanded a map of the proposed flood plain, I sent them a globe.
“But it gets worse. Right now I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many disabled animal feeders I’m supposed to hire. And just yesterday the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country.”
Suddenly, the sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the heavens. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?” Noah asked.
“No, that’s not what I mean!” thundered the Lord. “I will smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man himself has invented.”
“What’s that?” asked Noah.
There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke his Last Word,
“Government.”


THE DEMOCRAT’S PSALM

The government is my shepherd
Therefore I need not work.
It alloweth me to lie down on a good job.
It leadeth me in the path of still factories.
It destroyeth my initiative.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of laziness and deficit spending,
I will fear no evil, for the government is with me.
It prepareth an economic utopia for me
By appropriating the earnings of my grandchildren.
It filleth my head with false security.
My inefficiency runneth over.
Surely the government shall care for me
All the days of my life,
And I shall dwell in a fool’s paradise forever.

THE TOP 16 CHELSEA CLINTON PET PEEVES ABOUT COLLEGE

16. Every time she cuts her 8 a.m. class, CNN switches to a live feed from the lecture hall.
15. Poli Sci textbook only contains pictures from her “dumpy” years.
14. Social life hampered by mandatory Secret Service body cavity search of potential dates.
13. No room in dorm for all those boxes of missing Whitewater documents.
12. Daddy won’t sign the Cafeteria Food Reform Bill.
11. No one wants to waste good pot on a Clinton.
10. Steamy makeout sessions usually end with the guy getting his butt kicked by the Secret Service.
9. Tipper no longer around to clean up after her and Socks.
8. Every boy who hits on you winds up on a “peacekeeping force” in Bosnia within 48 hours.
7. Constant comparisons to notable Stanford alum Ted Koppel usually refer to physical resemblance.
6. Bourbon shots not free like the ones “Uncle Ted” serves back home.
5. Drunken frat boys always confusing her with Amy Carter.
4. Football coach keeps begging her to get Janet Reno to enroll.
3. RAs write you up if the Chinese Delegates stay past midnight.
2. Anatomy lab cadaver none other than Al Gore.
And the Number 1 Chelsea Clinton Pet Peeve About College...
1. The man makes 200 grand a year — you’d think he could bring his own weed when he visits.


CLINTON’S SIMPLIFIED TAX FORM

1. How much money did you make last year? _________
2. Send it in.
3. If you have any questions or comments, please write them in the space provided: ____.